Of Mice and Madmen
by Trumpeteer34
Summary: When Selina Kyle receives a bizarre phone call, she finds herself on the doorstep of the Mad Hatter with a package.


I do not own any of the characters present here. They belong to DC Comics. Quotes are from Lewis Carroll's _Alice in Wonderland_. This was written purely for fun.

...this has to be the silliest thing I've ever written. Seriously.

* * *

"What am I doing here?" Selina Kyle muttered under her breath as she waited for her knocks to be answered. She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and pulled her overcoat tighter around her with her free hand to protect her from the cold. In the crook of her other arm sat a box, close to her body and away from the biting wind.

She had received the most peculiar message on her answering machine yesterday. Beyond wondering how on Earth he had gotten his hands on her telephone number, his request was baffling. She hardly knew the caller. What was more baffling was the fact that she had decided to agree to it.

So, there she stood, on the doorstep of a man she hardly knew, sheltering the box in her arm from the wind.

She huffed impatiently, her breath becoming visible, and lifted her hand to knock again—

The door flew open before her closed hand made contact. She visibly startled back, a surprised look instantly covering her face. She jumped back and stared at the door with wide, blue eyes.

A big pair of blue eyes returned her stare, only his were agleam at the sight of his guest. "Miss Kyle!" Jervis Tetch began happily, a wide grin on his face.

'The Mad Hatter,' Selina Kyle thought to herself as she cleared her throat and regained her composure. She immediately began to regret coming to his house. She normally didn't associate herself with the "crazies" of Gotham, at least not after what happened last time with a certain man and his dummy…

She shook the memory from her head. She continued to stare at the sandy-haired man before her.

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you, m'dear," Jervis said pleasantly, his smile never disappearing. He shifted himself and gestured for her to enter. "Please, do come in."

Selina studied him for a second, trying to notice anything dangerous about him. After a brief moment of scrutinizingly going-over him, she slowly passed by him. "…Thank you, Mister…?"

"Oh dear!" Jervis cried out as he shut the door, turning and giving her a momentary horrified look. The expression quickly changed into slight embarrassment and his smile returned. "Where are my manners?" he laughed to himself. "Excuse me. I am Jervis Tetch." He held out a hand.

The blonde woman moved the box to her other arm and grasped his hand. "Selina Kyle," she said as the two shook hands.

'My, he has mood swings,' she mused to herself as their hands released. Besides that and being overtly outgoing, she could find nothing indicating his insanity. He stood with his hands clasped together, just smiling happily at her. He was dressed normally enough…beneath a white lab coat, he wore blue slacks and a lime green button down collared shirt. His sandy-colored hair was a little on the unkempt side, but it didn't seem to be bothering him any.

"I'm actually a little surprised you showed up," Jervis said with a sheepish laugh. "I'm sure my phone call came out of the blue."

His comment brought her back to the present and out of her thoughts. "Yes, speaking of which," she began, putting on a firm, yet curious face, "how exactly did you get my number?"

The smile faltered as he stared at her with thoughtful eyes. "The phonebook is a wondrous thing, Miss Kyle," he said plainly.

"My number isn't in the phonebook," Selina pointed out curtly.

A moment was spent in silence before his grin returned suddenly. "So, you did get my message, yes?" he asked excitedly, side-stepping the comment as his eyes fell to the box in her arms.

She lifted a suspicious eyebrow, still curious as to how he knew her number. She reluctantly let the subject slide. "Yes," she replied.

"O frabjous day!" the Mad Hatter exclaimed in glee, making Selina's other eyebrow lift in surprise. He moved deeper into the house, turning briefly and waving for his guest to follow. Selina reluctantly walked after her host.

They moved through the house without words. The man in front of her was whistling a tune she didn't recognize, but seemed plenty content. She took the lack of conversation as a chance to look around the home. There wasn't really all that much to look at in the hall they were passing through. She took a deep breath; the air carried a faint aroma of old books and—

"Tea!" Jervis suddenly blurted out, coming to an abrupt halt and twirling around to face her. "Can I offer you some tea?"

Selina Kyle startled to a stop, nearly coming face-to-face with the man. She took a large step back away from him and brushed a blonde lock of hair out of her face. "N-No, thank you," she stammered.

Jervis shrugged lightly and continued forward. Selina stood motionless for a moment, collecting herself, before she followed. They trudged through the kitchen and turned toward a doorway leading to the basement. The two went down the stairs without interruptions (much to Selina's relief), and before she knew it, she was standing in the Mad Hatter's laboratory.

His workspace looked normal enough. Her eyes explored the area, studying the different tools and microscopes scattered around. The only thing that stood out to her eye was a poster on the wall of a certain infamous tea party.

"Are you sure I can't interest you in any tea?" Jervis asked again, bringing her eyes to him.

"No, really, I'm fine. Thank you," Selina said, holding up her free hand. "I can't really stay long…" She lowered her hand to her side. "On to business, then?"

Jervis looked a little disheartened at her comment, but raised his shoulders and smiled. "If that is your wish," he said as he moved toward a countertop near the back of the lab.

Selina Kyle's eyes narrowed on him, her hold on the box in her arms growing firm. "I need to have your word," she said in a strong voice, making Jervis turn back to her with a curious expression on his face, "that you will bring _no harm_ to this—"

"Heaven's no!" Jervis exclaimed, waving his hands frantically in front of him and shaking his head. "I am no ruffian, rest assured!"

'So says the Arkham escapee,' Selina wanted to say, but held her tongue.

"Not to worry, my dear Dinah," he said, his obnoxious smile returning, "I am a gentle soul when it comes to animals."

Selina, ever the animal rights activist, kept her eyes glued to him. His pet-name did not go unnoticed.

Jervis, seeing that she did not trust him, pointed excitedly behind him. "See for yourself!" He trotted over to the counter he had been heading to and leaned over a large cage, observing the white mice inside. "I'd say they are quite content…"

The blonde woman slowly approached the mouse cage. The sight of a cage always weighed down heavily on her shoulders. She gave the grinning man another glance before she looked in.

Four white mice were happily interacting with each other, not at all perturbed at the two large faces staring down at them. They appeared to be healthy. The cage was clean, cleaner than many others she had seen.

"They do seem content," Selina heard herself say in agreement.

"I take very good care of them, I do," Jervis said sincerely, continuing to stare down at the rodents. His grin had become a small, warm smile, the kind you would find on a parent's face while adoring their children. "They are my family."

He stood straight and clasped his hands together. "Thus, bringing me to you!" he said, looking down at his guest with bright eyes. "Or you to me, if you will…" he added thoughtfully, raising his eyes toward the ceiling and a finger to his chin. He remained that way for a lingering moment, Selina simply staring at him with confused eyes, before he looked back at her. "Either way," he finally continued, "I was hoping to expand my family."

Selina Kyle returned her gaze to the cage, satisfied with the living conditions and with his capabilities of taking care of animals. "Yes…although your request was very…unusual…" her voice trailed off. She lifted the box and held it out for Jervis. "Here you are, then."

Jervis's face lit up like a kid's on Christmas morning. He beamed at her and carefully took the box into his own hands. He cautiously opened the box and peeked inside.

He practically squealed in delight. "Oh, Dinah, he's adorable!" He stared down at the brown furry mouse in the corner of the box, fast asleep on a make-shift bed Selina had made out of fabric and bedding. His blue eyes gleamed in happiness, grinning from ear to ear. "He's perfect!"

The Mad Hatter turned toward the counter again, his eyes glued to the mouse. "I dub thee 'Dormy,' my fine sir," he said cheerfully to the sleeping rodent.

Selina watched him begin to prepare another cage adjacent to the larger one holding his four white mice. He began humming another song as he carefully scooped out Dormy and gently placed him in his new home, all without disturbing his slumber.

His back remained facing her as he stood there, enamored in the brown furry animal. "You picked the perfect one, my dear Dinah. You picked the perfect one."

Her eyes remained on him, her curiosity over the whole situation beginning to appear. "…why exactly did you call _me_ to do this?" she asked.

Jervis looked over his shoulder at her for a brief moment, flashing her a smile. "Who better to pick out a mouse than you, hmm?" he replied with a giggle as he returned his attention to his mice.

She blinked, raising an eyebrow at his response. Despite their having never met, he knew she was Catwoman. "Is that really the only reason why you wanted me to do this?" she heard herself ask, sounding more confused than she meant to.

An "mm hmm" sounded from her British host.

His answer left her baffled. He sent out a cat to fetch him a mouse…and bring it back alive and well. "The logic behind your reasoning is…strange."

She heard him chuckle to himself as he turned and looked at her. "It's a curious thing, Dinah," he said merrily.

"Why do you keep calling me that?" Selina asked.

Jervis stared at her with a bewildered look on his face. "I can't very well explain that right here," he said matter-of-factly. "I wouldn't want to startle anyone, Dinah—"

"Listen," Selina said impatiently, "my name isn't Dinah. Please, call me Selina Kyle or Catwo—"

He interrupted her with a distressed yell, throwing his arms in the air and running to protect his mice. He covered them from her, as if her words were going to attack them. "You mustn't say that!" he whispered harshly to Catwoman, shooting her a fearful gaze.

Selina stared at him with puzzled and frustrated eyes. She was at a complete and utter loss for words, his bizarre actions slapping her speechless.

Jervis began to carefully look over the mice, whom seemed completely unfazed by his guest's conversation. Still, he looked over them worriedly. "Please, Dinah, I haven't any jam down here to calm them if they became agitated!"

Her frustration intensified when he called her Dinah again. She heaved an irritated sigh and headed for the stairs.

"Wait!" Jervis called after her, reaching out a hand to stop her, but remaining near the cages in a protective stance. "'Come back! I've something important to say!'"

Selina turned around and gave him a dubious eye. "And what's that?"

"'Keep your temper,'" he said wisely, accenting the worth of the words with a gentle wag of his finger.

"Ugh!" Selina growled furiously. "Is that all?!" she yelled.

Jervis's brow knitted in thought as he looked down at the ground for a moment. "No," he said simply at a length. He looked back up at her and smiled. "Thank you."

Selina stared at him with irritated eyes, blinking dully.

"I'll be around if you ever need a favor," the Mad Hatter continued.

The woman turned on her heel and began to move toward the stairs with the full intent of letting herself out of this insane asylum. 'Fat chance,' she grumbled to herself. There was a reason why she didn't associate herself with the "crazies" of Gotham, and Jervis Tetch was that reason personified.

"It was nice meeting you," Jervis called after in a happy tone.

"Likewise," Selina Kyle retorted before slamming the basement door.

Jervis stared at up at the ceiling, following the sound of her footsteps with his eyes until he heard the front door open and shut. He turned back to his mice, a grin plastering itself onto his face. "A nice lady, that Dinah…"

* * *

This is the single most silly thing I've ever written. For serious. I have no idea why I thought of this, but I did. I have no idea why Selina Kyle would do this, but if the saying is true, then curiosity had it's way with cats. Jervis Tetch's madness certainly lent a helping hand, though... And I guess I should mention that Dinah is the name of Alice's cat in Lewis Carroll's story.

ANYWAY. Yes. Please, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it. Feedback is always welcome. Thanks for reading!


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